Te estas equivocado.

All that I should have done...

I should have married you then and there. I should have stayed in college another year. I should have listened to my instinct that said "long distance sucks." I should have stayed up late during my vacation so that I could sleep well tonight. I should have learned to play guitar. I should have kept my poetry portfolio. I should have gone straight to grad school. I should have prolongued entering the real world as long as possible. I should have stayed with you. I should have written more poetry. I should have told myself that money doesn't matter, a wedding doesn't matter, a fancy ring doesn't matter. I should have forgotten what people would think. I should have not cared what the neighbors might say. I should have just lived and forgotten to impress people with my resume. I should have just been and lived with you in that tiny apartment with our bajillion animals laughing, smiling, sleeping, living, enjoying all this world has to offer TOGETHER. Instead, I chose to explore it alone. Pffft, what was I thinking?

I'm reading tonight for book club: Gary Soto's collection of short stories, Baseball in April. I have yet to plan for tomorrow. I have a rough outline of what I want to do with the kids, but in all seriousness, I think I need to change that. Especially since I think I'm going to skip the next two readings, a personal narrative and an excerpt from an autobiography. The objective states that the students simply need to know the difference between memoir, autobiography, and personal narrative. Yes, reading each of the three will greatly benefit the students; however, I think it's in my best interest to go on to Fact/Opinion and Tone.

There are still so many things I need to do to my classroom to make it run smooth to my standards.

Aside from that, I'm getting my creative fix doing things for my classroom, but I'm still not satisfied with the arrangement of the room and the way it looks/flows.

Tonight, I want to read and enjoy what I read. And that is what I'm going to do.

Here's to wine and Gary Soto.

Loca, loca, loca

I like to get these thoughts down on paper for the days that I can return and see what my life was like once.

I don't write for others to read. I don't write to get comments. I write because it helps me. Its therapeutic, its transforming in a way that I have yet to see.

I've been out of writing for a while, and I have way too many things to say, but I figured I need to get out of my rut at some point and get back to me.

I'm happy. I can say that I am happy. It's been a struggle to stay alive and sane at times, but overall, I'm alive and that's worth celebrating every day. I've learned, especially with being surrounded by TFA people that you have to choose your battles wisely. There are battles, I am willing to take at this point, but stressing is not one of them. Sometimes, I feel like maybe I am too relaxed with all of this... Maybe that's not the best approach, but it's been working so far in allowing me to still be me.

Some days are hard. I cried last week after school. I closed the door at 3:45 and sat in my chair and cried.

I wont go into details about it, but it was just one of those things that caught up with me.

At this second, I actually feel guilty for taking time writing and not using this time to plan for tomorrow. I'm taking baby steps toward organization and time management. I doubt I will ever be completely organized or completely managed, but I am scheduling time each day to write in order to keep a part of me that remains me.

At times, I feel like I'm a completely different person. The last time I went to Lubbock, I was happy to feel like a college student again.

Today, I had a training for this new curriculum and it was almost like a vacation for me. Sure, I missed my kids, but I was happy that I didn't have to worry about anything. I was a student again being challenged only by my own thoughts and the teacher, not by external factors out of my control.

I cannot wait to go back to school.
I want to do so much but two years seems so far away.
I will do it because I promised to make a difference and I'm sure I will enjoy it most of the time, but in my heart, I love to learn. I'm selfish in that way and I can't wait to get back to creating works of art on my own terms.

Need Organization

I need organization. I'm a teacher now. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm bothered. I'm frustrated. I want out. I want in. I hate this. I hate people. I've made new friends. Some real. Some fake. I am failing miserably. I am getting awards. Relentless pursuit of results. Sense of possibility. My students can't read. They are 11 years old. They don't care about what I'm teaching. Why do they have to know about the Spanish conquest of Mexico? Can't I focus on helping them read and write instead? I miss Elias. But I feel, he doesn't miss me. He fights with me a lot. And he doesn't jump at the chance to see me. I even offered to fly him to me so that I won't have to make the drive back alone. He said it was a waste of money. Ouch. Then he asked me what I want for my birthday. All I want is for him to come here. But I said, I want nothing. I don't want him to spend money he doesn't have. That, apparently, is my thing, not his. I'm broke. How am I going to pay my first month's rent? Stressed beyond belief. I can't eat. I have no appetite. I'm anxious. Nervous. I just want to sleep. But I want to be held. And hugged. And kissed. I just want to be taken care of. Is that too selfish to ask? I don't want to take care of those kids. They're cute. They're funny. But what about me? Can't someone else save them? I really feel like I'm failing them anyway. I wasn't meant to be a teacher. I wasn't meant to be here, now. I was meant to be a hermit. Alone. A writer. A singer. A painter. A selfish bitch. Not a teacher. That requires too much patience. Organization. Love. Kindness. Things I've been told my whole life that I possess. But do I really possess them? Or do people see something in me that they want to see in themselves? I started to see it too. But where did it all go? Instead, I'm just a kid teaching kids. They see right through me. They know I'm a fake. A phony. They don't want anything I have to give them. Unless it's some cool gadget. How am I going to do this for the next two years? Two years. It can go by fast. Or real slow. Long distance relationship, yet again. Am I ever going to be valued? Proposed to? Given surprise visits? Given surprise dinners? Surprise concerts? He says, he would if he had the money. But what if he has the money and he still doesn't? I want tall, dark, and handsome. I want the Spanish language. I want world traveler. I want it all. I'm too damn selfish.

No se ve, pero siente que hay en mi algo que esta cambiando... doo do do doo doooo doooo.



Ah, the blank page.


I have loads of shit to do and I choose to stare at this blank page hoping for something witty to come to mind so that spontaneous readers of this blog will think me magnificient and exuding talent. And still, the page is relatively blank. I did a whole lot of nothing today and it felt great, but it's not much different from what I usually do. I set off to do some Yoga in my living room, but then I got bored, so I decided to try Pilates, but I put the book down because it's hard to do exercises for some reason when you're flipping through the pages of a Pilates book. Then, I turned on an exercise video and did some of that, but felt like I was wasting my time, so I decided to go for a jog outside. I walked into my bedroom to get my sports bra when I realized the disaster area that is my room. I cleaned up and started sorting clothes for laundry, ended up taking three loads (one-by-one) to the laundromat at my complex (ah! The joys of apartment living) and by the time I got back, my honey was here hungry and I realized yeah, I could eat too. We made tacos and drank Coke - probably the unhealthiest meal I've had in a while, but when you're broke and hungry and in a hurry, you gotta eat something, right?!

And here I am still staring at this blank page fully aware that no one will read this because it's shit and confident that I will not be delving into any existential explorations within the next few minutes it will take for me to complete this post.

I realize that this challenge isn't working for me. You can't make an antisocial person a socialite, you can't turn an introvert into an extrovert... sure, they can be challenged, can step out of their comfort zones, but we happen to like it here and everyone around us is an asshole idiot anyway, so what's the big deal if we don't want to interact with every other 22-year-old in the city? My new challenge is simply to write every day. I want to be a writer some day, so I've gotta start writing more than poems and school papers. Sure, most of what I say is going to be complete crap and I'll wish to have never said it and secretly go behind the blogging world and delete stupid rants, but I promise to not do that. What I write is set in stone. Deal?
Deal.

Today is a good day:

Why? Because


1. I'm alive.

I'm failing miserably at this project. I'm not writing everyday, I'm not being social everday. I'm just a big fat failure. I don't think I can challenge myself to be fake... maybe that was a mistake on my part. This blog needs revamping and it's barely (What?) Day 7?

I've been writing a lot of poems lately and failing miserably at that too. But I'm confident now that this is something I really enjoy. I was never ever that kid in school that entered poems into the literary anthology (NO, that was my boyfriend). So, this semester has been my second semester of writing poems, something I considered taboo before. A part of me hopes that I'm good at poetry, but another part wants me to keep everything on the DL in case I'm just a big joke.

Graduation is soon!!! That's exciting :) And I had a phone interview today for SAISD. It wasn't really an interview because I already have the job, but it was just to jot down things about my personality type and what age-group I would like to teach. This is another one of those things I hope I don't fail miserably at. I guess you can't fail if you don't try....

I'm so excited though to be taking on a new chapter of my life. AND THEN, I can go to grad school once I'm done with my two year committment and prolong becoming a member of the real world for just a little longer.

Off to a poetry reading! Boo ya!

Well, well, if it isn't golf bag.

I'm really trying to find my niche in blogging, but maybe it's just not working out for me like I'd hoped. I'm already failing this experiment horribly and sometimes I just don't want to be social, damn it!
Sometimes I just hate people and I hate how they post pictures of themselves on FB like they're the shit, and I hate how they play so nonchalant like "Hey stranger, where have you been?" "Ummm I've been here, idiot, you just got a new boyfriend whom you let rule your life and forgot to hang out with me, and by the way, your boyfriend is more in love with himself than with you.. but then again, that's probably why you like him - because you like being the bitch in the relationship, which reminds me, I don't hang out with bitches, bitch. Buh bye." Yeah, it's one of those days and because of one stupid person who for whatever reason I let get to me this bad, I couldn't socialize today! You ruined my experiement, idiot!

Sigh... it's out. My secret is out that I hate people and I can't stand people when they are on FB. The nasty me comes out and the stupid them gets the attention they want. And still, I want attention somehow...

I think I only really get attention from my boyfriend. Even my parents forget about me sometimes because they are so caught up in their own worlds. My dad just broke up with his girlfriend and though I called him to talk about some important graduation stuff, he just went on and on about her. Hey, at least we talk, I guess. See, I'm trying to see the good in things! BUT sometimes, it just helps to vent and be a whiny, nagging, brat! Today is definetely one of those days -- and it probably has to do with graduation being right around the corner and me wanting to finish all this shit and put it behind me.
I want to do well in poetry - I want to be seen as an AMAZING poet. I want to just get my 3 short stories, 2 essays, and final research paper over with. I I want to make this damn movie already for my ethnography class and have a little fun in my last semester. I want to go swimming! And I want to go to Hawaii. And I want to stop pulling my hair out when I read. And I want to read for pleasure!And I want to just graduate and have my whole family not just stand around awkwardly and small talk with each other because my NEW stepdad will be there and my dad's family decided they hate my mom for that. Bleh. AND I want to be pretty!!!! Not just cute - I want to be a girl that stops traffic with her rockin bod and confidence because confidence = sexy. Too bad I lack in confidence. Too bad I also lack vanity - too bad I lack money or skills to dress myself nicely. Too bad, so sad, pity party for ME!
YESSSSSSSSSSSS!

It's definetely one of those days where I'm just angry at the world. Don't judge. Just let me be.

Facebook

I was on Facebook just now and I got to wonderin'... is everyone on FB as incredibly happy as they claim to be? I looked at my profile and asked myself the same question. Am I really as happy as my profile says?
How can we tell in these days when people just "brag" about themselves? Are we truly a happier generation or are we just satisfying the need to fit in by claiming to be so happy and popular?

I randomly asked my boyfriend today a question most girls would call a no-no. I said:
"Realistically, when do you think you will propose to me?"
He said "I don't know."
And I know him well enough to know that he wasn't just saying that because he already secretly had the ring stashed in his closet, but because he truly genuinely didn't know.
He asked me the same question. I said "I don't know," but I think more out of aggrivation than true uncertainty.

So, I may not have a lot of friends these days, but most of my acquaintances are tying the knot this summer after graduation. I know that I'm not ready to be married this summer like they are, but then I ask myself, when? I can't wait forever and I do want to get married and all the good stuff.
I want proposal, engagement, bridal shower, bachelorette party, all those things that no one in my family has really ever had - we're Mexican for crying out loud, everyone just got married at court because there was never enough money to afford a nice wedding.

Now, my best friend is talking marriage and she has only been with her boyfriend a couple months. She said she could see it happening in 2012. I'm pretty confident that most of my friends will be married before me, and it's not that I'm going to be jealous, but I will be a little angry, I suppose. Who wouldn't? I've been with E almost 4 years now and we've talked about getting married, talked about having kids, hell, we alread have three dogs together, but I'm sort of confused -- does he just assume that I'll always be around so there is no need to jump the gun? Or is he genuinely concerned with money and shit that he doesn't want to do all that hoopla until we can afford it. I understand all of that - I want nice things too, but if we started saving our pennies now, who is to say that we couldn't have a decent wedding by this time next year? He gave me a promise ring after two years together, and it's nearing the four year mark, so I'm just wondering.....

Am I being too harsh? Am I asking too much?
A part of me wants to be young and brash and go out and enjoy the world, but another says, we love each other, why not do it together? When I really think about, I think I want a wedding more than a marriage right now. I want the thrill of the engagement, planning, picking out dresses and wedding rings... but then what? Does it go downhill? I'm just a little worried if you can't tell. I'm sure he is too.

Does anyone else have these insecurities? If you met me, you would think I was perfectly content with shackin' up, which I am, but I'm just wondering what happens next? And then, I get this sick feeling in my stomach that tells me I am impossible to please. Do I just want to get married to show on my profile how genuinely happy I am??

I'm deleting that shit. Who needs to know anyway? I'm happy, but do I say that just to tell myself...?

Talk about question of the year!

Does my boyfriend count as a friend? No? Well, in that case, I have none

Once again, I like making fun of myself. Funny story: today in poetry my professor was demanding that we go to this reading tonight. As were were packing up our stuff, he gave me a flyer and said "here, invite all your friends."

"Do you mean FRIEND?" I replied. I was laughing at myself and laughing at the fact that out of the entire six people in attendance today, he chose me to present with this task.

"You only have one friend?" he said.

"Uh, yeah...."

At this point the remaining people in the class were laughing. I have been making people laugh a lot more lately, especially in my classes. Have I become somewhat of a class clown? Is that what I have resorted to?

He handed me the flyer anyway and said "then, bring your friend tonight. We need all the people we can get to come."

I walked out with my two acquaintances for the class - I would call them friends, but then I have to ask myself what consists of a friend? I have never hung out with these people outside of class, we don't hold conversations other than the ones right before and right after class. Yes, I would call them friends, but I think the more appropriate term is acquaintance.



Yesterday, I had a very lovely time at a banquet. I realized, however, that I'm not very good at eating while taking part in a conversation - eating, for me is a priority, you know. I absolutely love to eat and am absolutely surprised that I do not weigh 200 pounds!

I probably should have made more of an effort to speak, but I can only call myself a woman of few words. The good thing about that philosophy is that usually in settings like that, when I speak, people listen.

Le sigh. I'm sooooo swamped with school work for the next three weeks. AND I have a group project which is going surprisingly well. My group members and I have become really comfortable around each other and are having fun with the project.

I guess that's all for now. I'll work hard tomorrow to be more social - if not that, then at least to write a more compelling blog post.

Perfecting the Chit-Chat

I'm probably not the only one out there who thinks chit-chats are not very authentic. Walking past someone, hoping-to-god they don't see you, then locking eyes with them, smiling a fake smile, and saying "Hey, how are you?" while quickly speeding up your pace, not expecting a response, not quite responding to their response, grunting and smiling while saying "see ya around," is not a great way to really, truly start up a conversation with a friend OR an acquaintence.

Instead of doing what I normally do in those situations, I tried a new approach - I wouldn't call this the more normal approach, but maybe the old-fashioned one. Today, with so many people on the go or with their eyes locked onto their cell phones, it's hard to strike up a conversation but I did it anyway. I DID IT!

In the break room at work, I went to get a cup of water. This girl I used to work with at the newspaper was sitting there, as she usually does, reading or writing or something I didn't pay particular attention to. I said "Hey ____, Have you talked to ____?" Then I got the blank stare.
"About her internship, you mean?"
"No, about the magazine article she is writing..." I said (surely with some weird-ass look on my face).
"OH!!! Yeah!!!..."

And then we proceeded to converse about things girls who don't really know each other on a personal level converse about. Having another acquaintance in common helped, even though to be completely honest, I don't really know the girl who I mentioned. Usually, I would have just walked in, poured some water into my bottle and left without even making any eye contact. YAY ME!!

Then, later at our workshop, one of my supervisors said "how many of you are graduating this year?" And I raised my enthusiastic hand high. Instead of just smiling and half-raising my hand, I spoke like a true extrovert! "I got my cap and gown today!"

And that struck up a conversation amongst us graduating people!! Awwww community!

I know this all seems really miniscule but in the past, I would avoid situations where I would have to talk to people I didn't know under the assumption that I wouldn't like them. But really why do I do this? Because I'm afraid of being rejected? God knows I'm not shy.... I used to be, but now I embarrass myself so much, the shy sort of slipped right off me.

I'm trying. Someday, I will perfect the chit-chat...

Banquet

It's 11:30 here and I haven't yet made a new friend like I promised I would... this experiment is going to be harder than I thought. Sometimes I just really hate people. Especially the ones I go to school with! Ugggggh.

Yesterday I went to a banquet and was "mingling" just as they asked us to. But just as I was mingling with a guy and girl who had another campus organization in common, I was kicked out by default. So, I grabbed my wine glass and left very un-dramatically but much like what I would imagine a wino to do.

I went to talk to Amanda, sweet, sweet Amanda, the All-American girl who wouldn't deny the conversation of anyone!!!! Her and I have on occasion met in the girls bathroom at the Student Union Building (by chance!) where we attempt a conversation while washing our hands and reapplying lip gloss. I offered to bring her another glass of wine and then I immediately felt back to my pushover self.. but I did OFFER and she didn't ask me to play fetch. And she said "Oh, you are so sweet. Thank you!" Damn story of my life.

Then, we sat at our tables. Dateless, because my boyfriend will not pay $25 for a plate nor attend anything formal (I'll get to him later), I sat at a table with 3 other current memebers and one new member with her mom and grandma. Lucky me. I somehow can NOT talk to people my age and though I was squished between two relatively attractive and soon-to-be very successful young men, I found myself in conversation with Mom across the table. Oh my! There I go again..

I did attempt a conversation with the two guys though. The one on my right told me all about his twin brother teaching English in Japan and how his parents who work for the government relocated to Japan to be near him. Then he went on to explain to me how he has a job lined up starting in September with NASA. He attended high school entirely in Brazil and nothing is really that big of a deal for him... I was really enjoying hearing his stories, but then felt some insecurity just being in his presence. Surely he was just talking himself UP (something people in Lubbock do ALL THE F-ing TIME), but he wasn't really asking me many questions about myself and I don't feel comfortable just spilling these details uninvitingly. Can someone please tell me how to converse!!!!! Should I have made this conversation equally as much about me? I'm nowhere near that intersting, what would I have to say?

The food was really good, but about midway between the second course, I was starting to feel sick to my stomach. Oh great! I had a pain in my abdomen that felt like cramps - lovely!

I pushed my plate away discreetly, the waiter came and took it up, and I left to the bathroom thinking that Mom would be concerned at the thought that I might be bulemic or something. Whatever. I went to the restroom where I happened to make small-talk while washing my hands and reapplying my lip gloss.

Upon my return to the table, I was called up to receive my award for being the "most lovely" Historian who did nearly nothing for the group. And not even before the applause from the entire thing died down, I was clenching my purse and flying down the stairs to my car. Booo.

Final Thoughts: I made conversation with new people, but I can't say it was entirely because of my own effort. It was conversation of convenience... much like what I criticize people for doing. I should work on that and stop my hypocrisy!!!!!!

'Cause you gotta have friends

So, before I get into my "experiment," I just briefly want to talk about myself a little. I hope that with time, if I have people actually reading this, that they will tell me about themselves too :)

I'm Cyndi, 22 years old. I'm from the lovely bordertown of El Paso, TX (no, that is not sarcasm - I LOVE EP!). I am the oldest of three girls and our names all start with the letter 'C' which can get confusing at times... I speak Spanish pretty fluently, I guess, but I've never once taken a Spanish class (I tested out of it - don't ask me how since I knew nothing about grammar!). I love my family even though at times they drive me crazy. I love food, music, reading, writing, dancing, and being lazy. I'm a total homebody. I have a boyfriend who I will call E - him an I met in middle school, but didn't start dating until 2006. I have two Chihuahuas (Chata and Pepino) and another (Sombrita) that I'm currently fostering for my cousin so that she doesn't get evicted for not being allowed to have pets in her complex. I also have a fish named Douglas. I like to be random and goofy, but I used to be REALLY shy, so sometimes that comes through. Usually, in my classes though, I'm the perfect student -- only outside do I become a big dork.

I don't really work out, but I'd like to! I used to dance ballet and folklorico, but not until high school because before then, I was SUPER shy.

I'm not about doing things to impress people. I'm weird. I'm fun. I'm happy. That's me. And I like doing things because I like doing them - no other reason.

I'm a student majoring in Creative Writing (don't ask why JK) and anthropology. I'm also a tutor for students with learning disabilities. I love my job.

E and I are also mutts. We both grew up on the Texas/Mexico border and have large Mexican families. My parents are both American, my grandparents, however are not. And going waaaaaay down the line, I have a little Chinese, German, Spanish, and Native American. E's mom is Mexican, dad was American, and down the line, has some French. We are constantly battling identities, which is probably why we find so much comfort in each other. Awwww que cute. If I tend to change between improper Spanish and grammatically incorrect English, I don't apologize. That's how us on the Border talk, so get with it! On applications and stuff I tend to fill in the Hispanic/Latino bubble, but I'm never quite sure how that entirely fits. It's hard for me to think of myself as anything other than American. I'm also very proud to be a part of the border culture that I am, but it's not only my identity- we are a collective city of mixed-breed and THOSE are my people.

I'm pretty goofy, and tend to embarrass myself a lot. I'm kind of smart, at least from what other people tell me. E says that in High School, I was the smart, pretty girl, if that helps explain anything. I don't really think of myself as either and that's not me being modest.

I HAVE friends... You may learn from reading that I tend to OVEREXAGGERATE at times. I'm getting help for that, but seriously I do have friends. THREE best friends from high school that are all in grad school for science right now whereas me, the little confused liberal arts girl changed her major and tacked on an extra to put me on the five-year plan. But I'm graduating in May - whaa?

I also transferred from a private rich-kid university. I'm pretty poor and didn't have enough money to pay for school although I was almost entirely on scholarships and financial aid. During my two years there, I had two amazing luck-of-the-draw roommates who are both MARRIED now and whom I don't talk to nearly as much but still consider good friends in spite of them being SUPER relgious and me... not so much. Yup, that's the thing to do at private schools. RING BEFORE SPRING says you get engaged before or during the spring of your junior year, spend senior year planning and get married IMMEDIATELY after graduation with all your sorority sisters present of course.

I'm not in a sorority.

I'm pretty plain Jane is how I would put it. I'm not rich. I'm not poor. I dress nice for what I have, but in no way at all does the way I dress now reflect the style inside me DYING TO GET OUT!

I feel like when I wear makeup, I look like a clown, even though people say I look nice. Whateva.

I keep writing random shit about myself in an effort to prolong doing homework.

I'm clever , smart, and cool - You just don't know it yet.

My first post.... ...

I guess we can call this an experiment. Instead of criticizing people for blogging or for updating their Facebook every couple minutes or for Tweeting about the mundane melancholies of their life, I should bite my tongue and try it out.

Here is the thing: A couple days ago in my Doing Ethnography class, a guy said that people who once felt they weren't a part of a community could now feel welcome in cyberspace whether through YouTube vlogs or My Space. I took his statement with a grain of salt. This was probably because I don't know him, probably because I thought of him at that moment as just any other stupid college guy I go to school with.

Then I got to thinking.... who am I to judge him? Maybe this guy is on to something. Maybe he knows a secret that I'm not yet aware of.

And to clarify about the friends, (sure, this is going to sound like I'm in denial, but) I do have friends. Check my Facebook profile and you'll see I have like 600 hundred friends, BUT why do I feel like I don't have anything to say to any one of them??? I don't do status updates because why should they care? And I sometimes read their stati, but then I get annoyed and just decide to leave FB alone for a few days.

Now, this is my attempt to see if I can find myself a new community, one that doesn't brag about their feigned-perfect lives, but one that is full of people I would consider friends and want to someday meet in "real life."

I heard about this site called 20-Something bloggers... I'm going to "apply" or whatever it's called and see what happens. Maybe, I'll finally have someone to talk to other than my boyfriend (who I'm sure sometimes gets tired of my bitching). We live together, by the way, and do absolutely everything together. This may also be a reason why I don't hang around with people, but then at the same time, I just don't see anyone here (in Lubbock, TX) as really worthy of my time.

So, here are the parameters I promise to uphold for this blog:
1. Write everyday.
2. Try not to bitch as much and be thankful for the things I have.
3. Try to "put myself out there" in my day-to-day (as in, introduce myself to someone new and quit being so anti-social)
4. Treat all of this optimistically and hopeful that this experiment will help me find at least some people I can relate to.

Buena Suerte.