Loca, loca, loca

I like to get these thoughts down on paper for the days that I can return and see what my life was like once.

I don't write for others to read. I don't write to get comments. I write because it helps me. Its therapeutic, its transforming in a way that I have yet to see.

I've been out of writing for a while, and I have way too many things to say, but I figured I need to get out of my rut at some point and get back to me.

I'm happy. I can say that I am happy. It's been a struggle to stay alive and sane at times, but overall, I'm alive and that's worth celebrating every day. I've learned, especially with being surrounded by TFA people that you have to choose your battles wisely. There are battles, I am willing to take at this point, but stressing is not one of them. Sometimes, I feel like maybe I am too relaxed with all of this... Maybe that's not the best approach, but it's been working so far in allowing me to still be me.

Some days are hard. I cried last week after school. I closed the door at 3:45 and sat in my chair and cried.

I wont go into details about it, but it was just one of those things that caught up with me.

At this second, I actually feel guilty for taking time writing and not using this time to plan for tomorrow. I'm taking baby steps toward organization and time management. I doubt I will ever be completely organized or completely managed, but I am scheduling time each day to write in order to keep a part of me that remains me.

At times, I feel like I'm a completely different person. The last time I went to Lubbock, I was happy to feel like a college student again.

Today, I had a training for this new curriculum and it was almost like a vacation for me. Sure, I missed my kids, but I was happy that I didn't have to worry about anything. I was a student again being challenged only by my own thoughts and the teacher, not by external factors out of my control.

I cannot wait to go back to school.
I want to do so much but two years seems so far away.
I will do it because I promised to make a difference and I'm sure I will enjoy it most of the time, but in my heart, I love to learn. I'm selfish in that way and I can't wait to get back to creating works of art on my own terms.