I'm reading tonight for book club: Gary Soto's collection of short stories, Baseball in April. I have yet to plan for tomorrow. I have a rough outline of what I want to do with the kids, but in all seriousness, I think I need to change that. Especially since I think I'm going to skip the next two readings, a personal narrative and an excerpt from an autobiography. The objective states that the students simply need to know the difference between memoir, autobiography, and personal narrative. Yes, reading each of the three will greatly benefit the students; however, I think it's in my best interest to go on to Fact/Opinion and Tone.
There are still so many things I need to do to my classroom to make it run smooth to my standards.
Aside from that, I'm getting my creative fix doing things for my classroom, but I'm still not satisfied with the arrangement of the room and the way it looks/flows.
Tonight, I want to read and enjoy what I read. And that is what I'm going to do.
Here's to wine and Gary Soto.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Loca, loca, loca
I like to get these thoughts down on paper for the days that I can return and see what my life was like once.
I don't write for others to read. I don't write to get comments. I write because it helps me. Its therapeutic, its transforming in a way that I have yet to see.
I've been out of writing for a while, and I have way too many things to say, but I figured I need to get out of my rut at some point and get back to me.
I'm happy. I can say that I am happy. It's been a struggle to stay alive and sane at times, but overall, I'm alive and that's worth celebrating every day. I've learned, especially with being surrounded by TFA people that you have to choose your battles wisely. There are battles, I am willing to take at this point, but stressing is not one of them. Sometimes, I feel like maybe I am too relaxed with all of this... Maybe that's not the best approach, but it's been working so far in allowing me to still be me.
Some days are hard. I cried last week after school. I closed the door at 3:45 and sat in my chair and cried.
I wont go into details about it, but it was just one of those things that caught up with me.
At this second, I actually feel guilty for taking time writing and not using this time to plan for tomorrow. I'm taking baby steps toward organization and time management. I doubt I will ever be completely organized or completely managed, but I am scheduling time each day to write in order to keep a part of me that remains me.
At times, I feel like I'm a completely different person. The last time I went to Lubbock, I was happy to feel like a college student again.
Today, I had a training for this new curriculum and it was almost like a vacation for me. Sure, I missed my kids, but I was happy that I didn't have to worry about anything. I was a student again being challenged only by my own thoughts and the teacher, not by external factors out of my control.
I cannot wait to go back to school.
I want to do so much but two years seems so far away.
I will do it because I promised to make a difference and I'm sure I will enjoy it most of the time, but in my heart, I love to learn. I'm selfish in that way and I can't wait to get back to creating works of art on my own terms.
I don't write for others to read. I don't write to get comments. I write because it helps me. Its therapeutic, its transforming in a way that I have yet to see.
I've been out of writing for a while, and I have way too many things to say, but I figured I need to get out of my rut at some point and get back to me.
I'm happy. I can say that I am happy. It's been a struggle to stay alive and sane at times, but overall, I'm alive and that's worth celebrating every day. I've learned, especially with being surrounded by TFA people that you have to choose your battles wisely. There are battles, I am willing to take at this point, but stressing is not one of them. Sometimes, I feel like maybe I am too relaxed with all of this... Maybe that's not the best approach, but it's been working so far in allowing me to still be me.
Some days are hard. I cried last week after school. I closed the door at 3:45 and sat in my chair and cried.
I wont go into details about it, but it was just one of those things that caught up with me.
At this second, I actually feel guilty for taking time writing and not using this time to plan for tomorrow. I'm taking baby steps toward organization and time management. I doubt I will ever be completely organized or completely managed, but I am scheduling time each day to write in order to keep a part of me that remains me.
At times, I feel like I'm a completely different person. The last time I went to Lubbock, I was happy to feel like a college student again.
Today, I had a training for this new curriculum and it was almost like a vacation for me. Sure, I missed my kids, but I was happy that I didn't have to worry about anything. I was a student again being challenged only by my own thoughts and the teacher, not by external factors out of my control.
I cannot wait to go back to school.
I want to do so much but two years seems so far away.
I will do it because I promised to make a difference and I'm sure I will enjoy it most of the time, but in my heart, I love to learn. I'm selfish in that way and I can't wait to get back to creating works of art on my own terms.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Need Organization
I need organization. I'm a teacher now. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm bothered. I'm frustrated. I want out. I want in. I hate this. I hate people. I've made new friends. Some real. Some fake. I am failing miserably. I am getting awards. Relentless pursuit of results. Sense of possibility. My students can't read. They are 11 years old. They don't care about what I'm teaching. Why do they have to know about the Spanish conquest of Mexico? Can't I focus on helping them read and write instead? I miss Elias. But I feel, he doesn't miss me. He fights with me a lot. And he doesn't jump at the chance to see me. I even offered to fly him to me so that I won't have to make the drive back alone. He said it was a waste of money. Ouch. Then he asked me what I want for my birthday. All I want is for him to come here. But I said, I want nothing. I don't want him to spend money he doesn't have. That, apparently, is my thing, not his. I'm broke. How am I going to pay my first month's rent? Stressed beyond belief. I can't eat. I have no appetite. I'm anxious. Nervous. I just want to sleep. But I want to be held. And hugged. And kissed. I just want to be taken care of. Is that too selfish to ask? I don't want to take care of those kids. They're cute. They're funny. But what about me? Can't someone else save them? I really feel like I'm failing them anyway. I wasn't meant to be a teacher. I wasn't meant to be here, now. I was meant to be a hermit. Alone. A writer. A singer. A painter. A selfish bitch. Not a teacher. That requires too much patience. Organization. Love. Kindness. Things I've been told my whole life that I possess. But do I really possess them? Or do people see something in me that they want to see in themselves? I started to see it too. But where did it all go? Instead, I'm just a kid teaching kids. They see right through me. They know I'm a fake. A phony. They don't want anything I have to give them. Unless it's some cool gadget. How am I going to do this for the next two years? Two years. It can go by fast. Or real slow. Long distance relationship, yet again. Am I ever going to be valued? Proposed to? Given surprise visits? Given surprise dinners? Surprise concerts? He says, he would if he had the money. But what if he has the money and he still doesn't? I want tall, dark, and handsome. I want the Spanish language. I want world traveler. I want it all. I'm too damn selfish.
Monday, May 10, 2010
No se ve, pero siente que hay en mi algo que esta cambiando... doo do do doo doooo doooo.
Ah, the blank page.
I have loads of shit to do and I choose to stare at this blank page hoping for something witty to come to mind so that spontaneous readers of this blog will think me magnificient and exuding talent. And still, the page is relatively blank. I did a whole lot of nothing today and it felt great, but it's not much different from what I usually do. I set off to do some Yoga in my living room, but then I got bored, so I decided to try Pilates, but I put the book down because it's hard to do exercises for some reason when you're flipping through the pages of a Pilates book. Then, I turned on an exercise video and did some of that, but felt like I was wasting my time, so I decided to go for a jog outside. I walked into my bedroom to get my sports bra when I realized the disaster area that is my room. I cleaned up and started sorting clothes for laundry, ended up taking three loads (one-by-one) to the laundromat at my complex (ah! The joys of apartment living) and by the time I got back, my honey was here hungry and I realized yeah, I could eat too. We made tacos and drank Coke - probably the unhealthiest meal I've had in a while, but when you're broke and hungry and in a hurry, you gotta eat something, right?!
And here I am still staring at this blank page fully aware that no one will read this because it's shit and confident that I will not be delving into any existential explorations within the next few minutes it will take for me to complete this post.
I realize that this challenge isn't working for me. You can't make an antisocial person a socialite, you can't turn an introvert into an extrovert... sure, they can be challenged, can step out of their comfort zones, but we happen to like it here and everyone around us is an asshole idiot anyway, so what's the big deal if we don't want to interact with every other 22-year-old in the city? My new challenge is simply to write every day. I want to be a writer some day, so I've gotta start writing more than poems and school papers. Sure, most of what I say is going to be complete crap and I'll wish to have never said it and secretly go behind the blogging world and delete stupid rants, but I promise to not do that. What I write is set in stone. Deal?
Deal.
Ah, the blank page.
I have loads of shit to do and I choose to stare at this blank page hoping for something witty to come to mind so that spontaneous readers of this blog will think me magnificient and exuding talent. And still, the page is relatively blank. I did a whole lot of nothing today and it felt great, but it's not much different from what I usually do. I set off to do some Yoga in my living room, but then I got bored, so I decided to try Pilates, but I put the book down because it's hard to do exercises for some reason when you're flipping through the pages of a Pilates book. Then, I turned on an exercise video and did some of that, but felt like I was wasting my time, so I decided to go for a jog outside. I walked into my bedroom to get my sports bra when I realized the disaster area that is my room. I cleaned up and started sorting clothes for laundry, ended up taking three loads (one-by-one) to the laundromat at my complex (ah! The joys of apartment living) and by the time I got back, my honey was here hungry and I realized yeah, I could eat too. We made tacos and drank Coke - probably the unhealthiest meal I've had in a while, but when you're broke and hungry and in a hurry, you gotta eat something, right?!
And here I am still staring at this blank page fully aware that no one will read this because it's shit and confident that I will not be delving into any existential explorations within the next few minutes it will take for me to complete this post.
I realize that this challenge isn't working for me. You can't make an antisocial person a socialite, you can't turn an introvert into an extrovert... sure, they can be challenged, can step out of their comfort zones, but we happen to like it here and everyone around us is an asshole idiot anyway, so what's the big deal if we don't want to interact with every other 22-year-old in the city? My new challenge is simply to write every day. I want to be a writer some day, so I've gotta start writing more than poems and school papers. Sure, most of what I say is going to be complete crap and I'll wish to have never said it and secretly go behind the blogging world and delete stupid rants, but I promise to not do that. What I write is set in stone. Deal?
Deal.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Today is a good day:
Why? Because
1. I'm alive.
I'm failing miserably at this project. I'm not writing everyday, I'm not being social everday. I'm just a big fat failure. I don't think I can challenge myself to be fake... maybe that was a mistake on my part. This blog needs revamping and it's barely (What?) Day 7?
I've been writing a lot of poems lately and failing miserably at that too. But I'm confident now that this is something I really enjoy. I was never ever that kid in school that entered poems into the literary anthology (NO, that was my boyfriend). So, this semester has been my second semester of writing poems, something I considered taboo before. A part of me hopes that I'm good at poetry, but another part wants me to keep everything on the DL in case I'm just a big joke.
Graduation is soon!!! That's exciting :) And I had a phone interview today for SAISD. It wasn't really an interview because I already have the job, but it was just to jot down things about my personality type and what age-group I would like to teach. This is another one of those things I hope I don't fail miserably at. I guess you can't fail if you don't try....
I'm so excited though to be taking on a new chapter of my life. AND THEN, I can go to grad school once I'm done with my two year committment and prolong becoming a member of the real world for just a little longer.
Off to a poetry reading! Boo ya!
1. I'm alive.
I'm failing miserably at this project. I'm not writing everyday, I'm not being social everday. I'm just a big fat failure. I don't think I can challenge myself to be fake... maybe that was a mistake on my part. This blog needs revamping and it's barely (What?) Day 7?
I've been writing a lot of poems lately and failing miserably at that too. But I'm confident now that this is something I really enjoy. I was never ever that kid in school that entered poems into the literary anthology (NO, that was my boyfriend). So, this semester has been my second semester of writing poems, something I considered taboo before. A part of me hopes that I'm good at poetry, but another part wants me to keep everything on the DL in case I'm just a big joke.
Graduation is soon!!! That's exciting :) And I had a phone interview today for SAISD. It wasn't really an interview because I already have the job, but it was just to jot down things about my personality type and what age-group I would like to teach. This is another one of those things I hope I don't fail miserably at. I guess you can't fail if you don't try....
I'm so excited though to be taking on a new chapter of my life. AND THEN, I can go to grad school once I'm done with my two year committment and prolong becoming a member of the real world for just a little longer.
Off to a poetry reading! Boo ya!
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Well, well, if it isn't golf bag.
I'm really trying to find my niche in blogging, but maybe it's just not working out for me like I'd hoped. I'm already failing this experiment horribly and sometimes I just don't want to be social, damn it!
Sometimes I just hate people and I hate how they post pictures of themselves on FB like they're the shit, and I hate how they play so nonchalant like "Hey stranger, where have you been?" "Ummm I've been here, idiot, you just got a new boyfriend whom you let rule your life and forgot to hang out with me, and by the way, your boyfriend is more in love with himself than with you.. but then again, that's probably why you like him - because you like being the bitch in the relationship, which reminds me, I don't hang out with bitches, bitch. Buh bye." Yeah, it's one of those days and because of one stupid person who for whatever reason I let get to me this bad, I couldn't socialize today! You ruined my experiement, idiot!
Sigh... it's out. My secret is out that I hate people and I can't stand people when they are on FB. The nasty me comes out and the stupid them gets the attention they want. And still, I want attention somehow...
I think I only really get attention from my boyfriend. Even my parents forget about me sometimes because they are so caught up in their own worlds. My dad just broke up with his girlfriend and though I called him to talk about some important graduation stuff, he just went on and on about her. Hey, at least we talk, I guess. See, I'm trying to see the good in things! BUT sometimes, it just helps to vent and be a whiny, nagging, brat! Today is definetely one of those days -- and it probably has to do with graduation being right around the corner and me wanting to finish all this shit and put it behind me.
I want to do well in poetry - I want to be seen as an AMAZING poet. I want to just get my 3 short stories, 2 essays, and final research paper over with. I I want to make this damn movie already for my ethnography class and have a little fun in my last semester. I want to go swimming! And I want to go to Hawaii. And I want to stop pulling my hair out when I read. And I want to read for pleasure!And I want to just graduate and have my whole family not just stand around awkwardly and small talk with each other because my NEW stepdad will be there and my dad's family decided they hate my mom for that. Bleh. AND I want to be pretty!!!! Not just cute - I want to be a girl that stops traffic with her rockin bod and confidence because confidence = sexy. Too bad I lack in confidence. Too bad I also lack vanity - too bad I lack money or skills to dress myself nicely. Too bad, so sad, pity party for ME!
YESSSSSSSSSSSS!
It's definetely one of those days where I'm just angry at the world. Don't judge. Just let me be.
Sometimes I just hate people and I hate how they post pictures of themselves on FB like they're the shit, and I hate how they play so nonchalant like "Hey stranger, where have you been?" "Ummm I've been here, idiot, you just got a new boyfriend whom you let rule your life and forgot to hang out with me, and by the way, your boyfriend is more in love with himself than with you.. but then again, that's probably why you like him - because you like being the bitch in the relationship, which reminds me, I don't hang out with bitches, bitch. Buh bye." Yeah, it's one of those days and because of one stupid person who for whatever reason I let get to me this bad, I couldn't socialize today! You ruined my experiement, idiot!
Sigh... it's out. My secret is out that I hate people and I can't stand people when they are on FB. The nasty me comes out and the stupid them gets the attention they want. And still, I want attention somehow...
I think I only really get attention from my boyfriend. Even my parents forget about me sometimes because they are so caught up in their own worlds. My dad just broke up with his girlfriend and though I called him to talk about some important graduation stuff, he just went on and on about her. Hey, at least we talk, I guess. See, I'm trying to see the good in things! BUT sometimes, it just helps to vent and be a whiny, nagging, brat! Today is definetely one of those days -- and it probably has to do with graduation being right around the corner and me wanting to finish all this shit and put it behind me.
I want to do well in poetry - I want to be seen as an AMAZING poet. I want to just get my 3 short stories, 2 essays, and final research paper over with. I I want to make this damn movie already for my ethnography class and have a little fun in my last semester. I want to go swimming! And I want to go to Hawaii. And I want to stop pulling my hair out when I read. And I want to read for pleasure!And I want to just graduate and have my whole family not just stand around awkwardly and small talk with each other because my NEW stepdad will be there and my dad's family decided they hate my mom for that. Bleh. AND I want to be pretty!!!! Not just cute - I want to be a girl that stops traffic with her rockin bod and confidence because confidence = sexy. Too bad I lack in confidence. Too bad I also lack vanity - too bad I lack money or skills to dress myself nicely. Too bad, so sad, pity party for ME!
YESSSSSSSSSSSS!
It's definetely one of those days where I'm just angry at the world. Don't judge. Just let me be.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
I was on Facebook just now and I got to wonderin'... is everyone on FB as incredibly happy as they claim to be? I looked at my profile and asked myself the same question. Am I really as happy as my profile says?
How can we tell in these days when people just "brag" about themselves? Are we truly a happier generation or are we just satisfying the need to fit in by claiming to be so happy and popular?
I randomly asked my boyfriend today a question most girls would call a no-no. I said:
"Realistically, when do you think you will propose to me?"
He said "I don't know."
And I know him well enough to know that he wasn't just saying that because he already secretly had the ring stashed in his closet, but because he truly genuinely didn't know.
He asked me the same question. I said "I don't know," but I think more out of aggrivation than true uncertainty.
So, I may not have a lot of friends these days, but most of my acquaintances are tying the knot this summer after graduation. I know that I'm not ready to be married this summer like they are, but then I ask myself, when? I can't wait forever and I do want to get married and all the good stuff.
I want proposal, engagement, bridal shower, bachelorette party, all those things that no one in my family has really ever had - we're Mexican for crying out loud, everyone just got married at court because there was never enough money to afford a nice wedding.
Now, my best friend is talking marriage and she has only been with her boyfriend a couple months. She said she could see it happening in 2012. I'm pretty confident that most of my friends will be married before me, and it's not that I'm going to be jealous, but I will be a little angry, I suppose. Who wouldn't? I've been with E almost 4 years now and we've talked about getting married, talked about having kids, hell, we alread have three dogs together, but I'm sort of confused -- does he just assume that I'll always be around so there is no need to jump the gun? Or is he genuinely concerned with money and shit that he doesn't want to do all that hoopla until we can afford it. I understand all of that - I want nice things too, but if we started saving our pennies now, who is to say that we couldn't have a decent wedding by this time next year? He gave me a promise ring after two years together, and it's nearing the four year mark, so I'm just wondering.....
Am I being too harsh? Am I asking too much?
A part of me wants to be young and brash and go out and enjoy the world, but another says, we love each other, why not do it together? When I really think about, I think I want a wedding more than a marriage right now. I want the thrill of the engagement, planning, picking out dresses and wedding rings... but then what? Does it go downhill? I'm just a little worried if you can't tell. I'm sure he is too.
Does anyone else have these insecurities? If you met me, you would think I was perfectly content with shackin' up, which I am, but I'm just wondering what happens next? And then, I get this sick feeling in my stomach that tells me I am impossible to please. Do I just want to get married to show on my profile how genuinely happy I am??
I'm deleting that shit. Who needs to know anyway? I'm happy, but do I say that just to tell myself...?
Talk about question of the year!
How can we tell in these days when people just "brag" about themselves? Are we truly a happier generation or are we just satisfying the need to fit in by claiming to be so happy and popular?
I randomly asked my boyfriend today a question most girls would call a no-no. I said:
"Realistically, when do you think you will propose to me?"
He said "I don't know."
And I know him well enough to know that he wasn't just saying that because he already secretly had the ring stashed in his closet, but because he truly genuinely didn't know.
He asked me the same question. I said "I don't know," but I think more out of aggrivation than true uncertainty.
So, I may not have a lot of friends these days, but most of my acquaintances are tying the knot this summer after graduation. I know that I'm not ready to be married this summer like they are, but then I ask myself, when? I can't wait forever and I do want to get married and all the good stuff.
I want proposal, engagement, bridal shower, bachelorette party, all those things that no one in my family has really ever had - we're Mexican for crying out loud, everyone just got married at court because there was never enough money to afford a nice wedding.
Now, my best friend is talking marriage and she has only been with her boyfriend a couple months. She said she could see it happening in 2012. I'm pretty confident that most of my friends will be married before me, and it's not that I'm going to be jealous, but I will be a little angry, I suppose. Who wouldn't? I've been with E almost 4 years now and we've talked about getting married, talked about having kids, hell, we alread have three dogs together, but I'm sort of confused -- does he just assume that I'll always be around so there is no need to jump the gun? Or is he genuinely concerned with money and shit that he doesn't want to do all that hoopla until we can afford it. I understand all of that - I want nice things too, but if we started saving our pennies now, who is to say that we couldn't have a decent wedding by this time next year? He gave me a promise ring after two years together, and it's nearing the four year mark, so I'm just wondering.....
Am I being too harsh? Am I asking too much?
A part of me wants to be young and brash and go out and enjoy the world, but another says, we love each other, why not do it together? When I really think about, I think I want a wedding more than a marriage right now. I want the thrill of the engagement, planning, picking out dresses and wedding rings... but then what? Does it go downhill? I'm just a little worried if you can't tell. I'm sure he is too.
Does anyone else have these insecurities? If you met me, you would think I was perfectly content with shackin' up, which I am, but I'm just wondering what happens next? And then, I get this sick feeling in my stomach that tells me I am impossible to please. Do I just want to get married to show on my profile how genuinely happy I am??
I'm deleting that shit. Who needs to know anyway? I'm happy, but do I say that just to tell myself...?
Talk about question of the year!
