What

'What' is the word of 2012.

What do I do?

Root

Every time I talk to you on the phone, I hang up frustrated, annoyed by your voice.

I'm trying to be less sensitive but the fact is that it's mostly always me compromising for you. I'm not going to do that any longer. I just want a nice guy.

We need to get to the root of the problem. I'm not sure where it is or what it looks like, but I know we need to find it soon. If we don't, we'll be lost forever.

Parenthood

I've been watching Parenthood on Netflix. What will I do when it's over? I'm halfway through season 2.

Watching a show like this secretly makes me want to move to LA to be a writer for a show. What? Where do I get these ideas?

But of course, there is the issue of the boyfriend whom I love. Growing up is complicated.

I love him and every show/rom com/chick flick tell me that I'm lucky to have someone who loves me back; however, it's so hard for me to just drop everything I want for me for the sake of being with him. Oh, I wish I were a little more romantic.

Deep down, I want romance and flowers, extravagant proposals, and the simple life BUT I am too stubborn to compromise all that for my own ambition.

I want to move to California. That's where my mind is set. If him and I stay together, I see my life moving to east Texas. What's there for me?

Oops

I haven't eaten all day.

So, I just had 3 enchiladas and some rice. Greasy. And I have been eating pretty healthy for a couple of weeks so this has sent me for a loop.

I'm going to be sick.

The reason why I'm eating this is I'm broke and have no other food.

I went to the pharmacy today to get my BC and was declined. I checked my account and was in the red! I apparently paid my student loan twice this month and ended up in the negative. Oops.

And now I'm starved for food. I resorted to grease and I'm sick. Ugh.

Five year anniversary with my hun. Too bad we spent it catering to others at my sister's graduation party and his grandfather's 87th birthday. You know what, though? It was such a great time to be with family and discover that appreciation for them, I seem to forget from time to time. We may not have done anything romantic or exchanged gifts or anything, but I suppose that in two weeks we will have our time. This means, I need to find him something - or plan on surprising him in some way! Usually, it seems, couples that are in the same city, have to rev things up by being romantic - we too, were once that way. In our relationship, however, we see each other so few times that every meet-up is always everything we could have hoped for. We haven't really made things intentionally romantic, but then again, the romance is in the efforts we go to for a simple weekend of holding hands, or a kiss on the lips.

Graduation is next weekend! I need to find a gift for my sister... I need to find the right words to say that I'm proud of her BUT that I still expect her to go further. I don't want her to stop and quit because, for her, college will be challenging. I need her to know that I will be there through it all to help in any way I can. I didn't do such a good job conveying this message to my other sister. Instead, I was so selfishly in love, living in sin, and paying no mind to my sister who probably needed my guidance in college. If I could go back to change that, I would. Now, I simply have to find a way to make her understand that she CAN go back to school under no conditions and that I want to help her every step of the way.

I have a few plans for the summer that I want to get down on paper:
1. Jacob's college gift (laundry basket, detergent, cleaning supplies, TP, PT, Ramen, etc)
2. Tina's care package for college (even though she is living at home, I need to find a creative way to help her during this "move" to college)
3. Crystal's birthday gift! (no clue)
4. Krissett's wedding gift (again, no clue)
5. Trip to San Francisco!?!?!?
6. Move to new apartment (when I find one)
7. Take GRE
8. Apply to grad schools (First, figure out which to apply to!)
9. Be happy and peaceful this summer wherever I am.
10. Love life.

My first year of teaching is almost at its close. And this is such a large topic, I'm going to narrow down for a bit. (Clicking the zoom button).

After one year of living in this apartment and rearranging my bedroom a total of SIX times, I'm going to miss calling this place home. I like it so much other than the fact that it's far from EVERYTHING. But it's MINE and it's cute and I put a lot into this. Am I really ready to live alone? So much effort goes into looking for a place that I'm overwhelmed just taking the next step.




Some things I need to do different next year:
1. Make more friends.
2. Read more books.
3. Save MONEY.
4. DANCE BALLET.
5. Stop being such an introvert? Nah. I like being an introvert... I just need friends that can bring out the best in me sometimes.

Mud Or Stars?

I'm not sure, I understand this analogy, but I'm reading "Calm My Anxious Heart" by Linda Dallow and I figured I would take her challenge to write both sides of the story.
How do you categorize your life? That's such a broad question!
So here goes the mud:
I'm so lost and confused. I feel like I'm in a waiting room just waiting for who knows what! I have people who love me and people who I love that are all far, far away. I can't seem to stand the person that I spend most of my time with here. And yet, if I stay in this stressful job for another year, I know I will have another 365 days of listening to her "blissfully" plan her lavish wedding with myself as yet ANOTHER pathetic bridesmaid who will probably show up dateless because my boyfriend lives so far away. Everything about my life right now is mediocre, mundane, and routine. I cannot find a way to get by and be happy and see the joy in things. Not anymore. Not with all this other crap clouding the beauty. I will be getting a biopsy soon for breast cancer. I have no money to pay for the repair that needs to be done on my brakes. Because of the brakes issue, I cannot go see my boyfriend for Valentine's Day and I will be stuck here in this apartment with my roommate. Ideal, right?

Ok, now for the stars:
(Wow, its actually taking me a while to get this one started -- Linda said, 'which do you spend most of your time dwelling on?' Well, now it's obvious.)
I have a well-paying job. I get to be a part of a movement that allows children of all races and socio-economic levels to have an excellent education. I have a boyfriend many miles away who loves me. He came to visit me on Friday and we had a wonderful weekend. I am alive. I have started gardening.

So, it's clear that I dwell on the negative. It's so difficult to see the positive... when all this shit around me seems to be falling and crashing down. Yeah, yeah, I get it. I need to be more positive. I'm driving my boyfriend away. Sometimes I say things on the phone with him that I don't even realize. Today, I said "I'm such a horrible person." OUT OF NOWHERE! And he responded with "If you're going to act like that, let's just hang up, because I don't want to hear the negativity." Yeah, his response made me cry. How could he be so insensitive? But, he knows me all too well and I need to be slapped in the face every now and then.

As I'm writing and reflecting, I'm still actually reading the book and I just now realized where the analogy came from:

Two women looked through prison bars
One saw mud, the other say stars.

Each of us has a choice about how we LOOK AT life. We can focus on the mud or lift our eyes and see the stars. I want to see the stars soooo badly. God, please help me see the stars.

The path of least resistance can lead through a mine field.

So true. I chose this path because it prolongued actually having to find my own path. I'm an idiot.

The fun comes from being miserable in my own mistakes. I keep telling myself that.

Elias and I played house all weekend. I dragged him to Pottery Barn at the Quarry to fulfil my own "pornographic" fix. I love dreaming of my home and the furniture I will some day be able to afford to fill it. Elias, however, took control of this fantasy. I loved every moment of it.

I can't wait to live with him again. Really, I don't even care if we're rich or poor. I just want to be under the same roof, loving each other and loving life.

Maybe we do need God to complete the picture. But we don't need church.

Thank you

Elias for a beautiful weekend. I can't believe we've spent nearly 5 years as best friends. I can't wait to spend the rest of the years as your lover and wife. Thank you for accepting me. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for guiding and inspiring me. Thank you for being you.

I love you. Please know that as conflicted as I am in this moment, I want so badly to return to that shit hole known as Lubbock, Texas with you. I'll take a minimum wage job if it means cuddling with you every night.

I now understand why God made husbands... he made them so that life, with all it's twists and turns, could be bearable. I can't wait to make life bearable with you by my side.

My mom thinks my apartment is possessed by a negative spirit. Maybe that's her way of telling me I need to be more positive. She says if I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack again, I should call her and we can read the Bible together. I'm not sure I've ever read the Bible in a time of need. Maybe I should? I just find the idea of doing that kind of silly, but I guess at this point I'm a little desperate and will try anything. She keeps telling me to put it in God's hands.

From today's inspirational text message: "Just keep asking God to give you strength to endure the rest of your contract so you can move on to your next step. And have faith that he will never forsake you. Even in your lowest moments, praise him and rejoice because the devil will see he can no longer harm you."

Is she right? I'll never know. All I know is things are really in the shit hole right now.

I feel like an idiot for commiting myself to doing this for two years while being away from everything and everyone I love. What kind of stupid person would leave a life so perfect?

Maybe I will start going to church again. But I doubt God will want me there if I'm being forced by my own guilt to please my mother.

I desperately want to go back to being with Elias. Who cares if it means I'm stuck in the past? Who cares if it means I get no letters of recommendation from TFA? Who cares if it means I QUIT? Who cares? I care. And at times I don't care.

Mom clearly doesn't want me to go to therapy. She wants me to go to God. But what if I don't know what to do with that? What if I don't know how to talk to God? Or if I even want to talk to Him? I believe. I just don't think I have to worship the way people say you should worship. I think I want to worship by giving thanks for the little things, by praising the sun each day and the moon each night, by taking in all the beauty of life even when it's hard to see.

Does that count? Or do I have to read the Bible for help?

Things on my mind:
1. Breast cysts and biopsies
2. Tina's seizures
3. I'm bored hungry.
4. Everyone is getting married but me.
5. Student Loan debt sucks.
6. Is grad school even for me?
7. Does Elias even love me?
8. He hasn't proposed and it's almost been 5 years.
9. And he may wait another 5 years.
10. My mom said he's a jerk (in a fun way).
11. I'm going to see a therapist soon.
12. I'm always doing things for others.
13. I need to start doing things for myself.
14. I feel like a loser.
15. I had a panic attack yesterday.
16. I'm missing my sister's housewarming party and I hate myself for it.
17. I got a New Teacher's grant for $200!
18. I want a Disney Escape wedding.
19. My mom thinks that makes me selfish because she wants my whole family to be there to celebrate with me.
20. I said I don't want everyone there.
21. Who am I kidding? I'm never going to get married.
22. Elias has never even gone ring shopping.
23. He went promise ring shopping immediately.
24. And now everyone else is getting married in 2012. Except me.

Hipocrita. Desear ayudar