My mom thinks my apartment is possessed by a negative spirit. Maybe that's her way of telling me I need to be more positive. She says if I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack again, I should call her and we can read the Bible together. I'm not sure I've ever read the Bible in a time of need. Maybe I should? I just find the idea of doing that kind of silly, but I guess at this point I'm a little desperate and will try anything. She keeps telling me to put it in God's hands.

From today's inspirational text message: "Just keep asking God to give you strength to endure the rest of your contract so you can move on to your next step. And have faith that he will never forsake you. Even in your lowest moments, praise him and rejoice because the devil will see he can no longer harm you."

Is she right? I'll never know. All I know is things are really in the shit hole right now.

I feel like an idiot for commiting myself to doing this for two years while being away from everything and everyone I love. What kind of stupid person would leave a life so perfect?

Maybe I will start going to church again. But I doubt God will want me there if I'm being forced by my own guilt to please my mother.

I desperately want to go back to being with Elias. Who cares if it means I'm stuck in the past? Who cares if it means I get no letters of recommendation from TFA? Who cares if it means I QUIT? Who cares? I care. And at times I don't care.

Mom clearly doesn't want me to go to therapy. She wants me to go to God. But what if I don't know what to do with that? What if I don't know how to talk to God? Or if I even want to talk to Him? I believe. I just don't think I have to worship the way people say you should worship. I think I want to worship by giving thanks for the little things, by praising the sun each day and the moon each night, by taking in all the beauty of life even when it's hard to see.

Does that count? Or do I have to read the Bible for help?