I'm not sure, I understand this analogy, but I'm reading "Calm My Anxious Heart" by Linda Dallow and I figured I would take her challenge to write both sides of the story.
How do you categorize your life? That's such a broad question!
So here goes the mud:
I'm so lost and confused. I feel like I'm in a waiting room just waiting for who knows what! I have people who love me and people who I love that are all far, far away. I can't seem to stand the person that I spend most of my time with here. And yet, if I stay in this stressful job for another year, I know I will have another 365 days of listening to her "blissfully" plan her lavish wedding with myself as yet ANOTHER pathetic bridesmaid who will probably show up dateless because my boyfriend lives so far away. Everything about my life right now is mediocre, mundane, and routine. I cannot find a way to get by and be happy and see the joy in things. Not anymore. Not with all this other crap clouding the beauty. I will be getting a biopsy soon for breast cancer. I have no money to pay for the repair that needs to be done on my brakes. Because of the brakes issue, I cannot go see my boyfriend for Valentine's Day and I will be stuck here in this apartment with my roommate. Ideal, right?
Ok, now for the stars:
(Wow, its actually taking me a while to get this one started -- Linda said, 'which do you spend most of your time dwelling on?' Well, now it's obvious.)
I have a well-paying job. I get to be a part of a movement that allows children of all races and socio-economic levels to have an excellent education. I have a boyfriend many miles away who loves me. He came to visit me on Friday and we had a wonderful weekend. I am alive. I have started gardening.
So, it's clear that I dwell on the negative. It's so difficult to see the positive... when all this shit around me seems to be falling and crashing down. Yeah, yeah, I get it. I need to be more positive. I'm driving my boyfriend away. Sometimes I say things on the phone with him that I don't even realize. Today, I said "I'm such a horrible person." OUT OF NOWHERE! And he responded with "If you're going to act like that, let's just hang up, because I don't want to hear the negativity." Yeah, his response made me cry. How could he be so insensitive? But, he knows me all too well and I need to be slapped in the face every now and then.
As I'm writing and reflecting, I'm still actually reading the book and I just now realized where the analogy came from:
Two women looked through prison bars
One saw mud, the other say stars.
Each of us has a choice about how we LOOK AT life. We can focus on the mud or lift our eyes and see the stars. I want to see the stars soooo badly. God, please help me see the stars.
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1 comments:
So, yeah...I started reading this blog yesterday 3/21/2012, but then realized you had blogged it a year ago...and I knew what you had been going thru last year and I didn't want to relive your agony, as if I would make it all come back if I continued reading it, so I stopped right after "another pathetic bridesmaid." So, today I read the whole thing. Yes, now I can appreciate the whole blog! Makes me wonder how I look at life sometimes. Do I see all the mud around me and pay too much attention to it or do I finally look up at the stars??....hmmmmm??? I guess I can say last year before 11/6/2011, I was looking for all the mud in the world...Around me, in me, in the people I love, in my job, in my husband, in my kids, etc, etc, until God made me realize I should be lifting my eyes to the stars (HIM) and be grateful for everything around me. We cannot always have what we want and when we want it, and how we want it. It wouldn't be right. Why would we have it all with nothing showing for it. By that I mean, by working for it. For struggling a little bit to get there. We have to work for it, to really appreciate something. Honestly,I thought " I have always lived my life as a good person, I have good manners, I have good morals, I am polite, I smile to people, I am not rude, I am friendly, all these positive characteristics do not make me worthy of having a perfect wonderful life. So a little bit of unperfectness in my world has made me a stronger person. And I am starting to practice positive affirmations.I use my self-talks and inner thoughts to stream my life experiences in a different direction. And voice my desires as if to chant a prayer for a change in my old ways and not believe in, well, you know....living in a fairy tale expecting to have all good things just fall into my lap. GET UP! Do something! Work for it! Take the challenge and see it through! That's my new affirmation. . . . .and look uppppp!!! Look at the star and admire the beauty. They will look right back at you!
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