What

'What' is the word of 2012.

What do I do?

Root

Every time I talk to you on the phone, I hang up frustrated, annoyed by your voice.

I'm trying to be less sensitive but the fact is that it's mostly always me compromising for you. I'm not going to do that any longer. I just want a nice guy.

We need to get to the root of the problem. I'm not sure where it is or what it looks like, but I know we need to find it soon. If we don't, we'll be lost forever.

Parenthood

I've been watching Parenthood on Netflix. What will I do when it's over? I'm halfway through season 2.

Watching a show like this secretly makes me want to move to LA to be a writer for a show. What? Where do I get these ideas?

But of course, there is the issue of the boyfriend whom I love. Growing up is complicated.

I love him and every show/rom com/chick flick tell me that I'm lucky to have someone who loves me back; however, it's so hard for me to just drop everything I want for me for the sake of being with him. Oh, I wish I were a little more romantic.

Deep down, I want romance and flowers, extravagant proposals, and the simple life BUT I am too stubborn to compromise all that for my own ambition.

I want to move to California. That's where my mind is set. If him and I stay together, I see my life moving to east Texas. What's there for me?

Oops

I haven't eaten all day.

So, I just had 3 enchiladas and some rice. Greasy. And I have been eating pretty healthy for a couple of weeks so this has sent me for a loop.

I'm going to be sick.

The reason why I'm eating this is I'm broke and have no other food.

I went to the pharmacy today to get my BC and was declined. I checked my account and was in the red! I apparently paid my student loan twice this month and ended up in the negative. Oops.

And now I'm starved for food. I resorted to grease and I'm sick. Ugh.

Five year anniversary with my hun. Too bad we spent it catering to others at my sister's graduation party and his grandfather's 87th birthday. You know what, though? It was such a great time to be with family and discover that appreciation for them, I seem to forget from time to time. We may not have done anything romantic or exchanged gifts or anything, but I suppose that in two weeks we will have our time. This means, I need to find him something - or plan on surprising him in some way! Usually, it seems, couples that are in the same city, have to rev things up by being romantic - we too, were once that way. In our relationship, however, we see each other so few times that every meet-up is always everything we could have hoped for. We haven't really made things intentionally romantic, but then again, the romance is in the efforts we go to for a simple weekend of holding hands, or a kiss on the lips.

Graduation is next weekend! I need to find a gift for my sister... I need to find the right words to say that I'm proud of her BUT that I still expect her to go further. I don't want her to stop and quit because, for her, college will be challenging. I need her to know that I will be there through it all to help in any way I can. I didn't do such a good job conveying this message to my other sister. Instead, I was so selfishly in love, living in sin, and paying no mind to my sister who probably needed my guidance in college. If I could go back to change that, I would. Now, I simply have to find a way to make her understand that she CAN go back to school under no conditions and that I want to help her every step of the way.

I have a few plans for the summer that I want to get down on paper:
1. Jacob's college gift (laundry basket, detergent, cleaning supplies, TP, PT, Ramen, etc)
2. Tina's care package for college (even though she is living at home, I need to find a creative way to help her during this "move" to college)
3. Crystal's birthday gift! (no clue)
4. Krissett's wedding gift (again, no clue)
5. Trip to San Francisco!?!?!?
6. Move to new apartment (when I find one)
7. Take GRE
8. Apply to grad schools (First, figure out which to apply to!)
9. Be happy and peaceful this summer wherever I am.
10. Love life.

My first year of teaching is almost at its close. And this is such a large topic, I'm going to narrow down for a bit. (Clicking the zoom button).

After one year of living in this apartment and rearranging my bedroom a total of SIX times, I'm going to miss calling this place home. I like it so much other than the fact that it's far from EVERYTHING. But it's MINE and it's cute and I put a lot into this. Am I really ready to live alone? So much effort goes into looking for a place that I'm overwhelmed just taking the next step.




Some things I need to do different next year:
1. Make more friends.
2. Read more books.
3. Save MONEY.
4. DANCE BALLET.
5. Stop being such an introvert? Nah. I like being an introvert... I just need friends that can bring out the best in me sometimes.

Mud Or Stars?

I'm not sure, I understand this analogy, but I'm reading "Calm My Anxious Heart" by Linda Dallow and I figured I would take her challenge to write both sides of the story.
How do you categorize your life? That's such a broad question!
So here goes the mud:
I'm so lost and confused. I feel like I'm in a waiting room just waiting for who knows what! I have people who love me and people who I love that are all far, far away. I can't seem to stand the person that I spend most of my time with here. And yet, if I stay in this stressful job for another year, I know I will have another 365 days of listening to her "blissfully" plan her lavish wedding with myself as yet ANOTHER pathetic bridesmaid who will probably show up dateless because my boyfriend lives so far away. Everything about my life right now is mediocre, mundane, and routine. I cannot find a way to get by and be happy and see the joy in things. Not anymore. Not with all this other crap clouding the beauty. I will be getting a biopsy soon for breast cancer. I have no money to pay for the repair that needs to be done on my brakes. Because of the brakes issue, I cannot go see my boyfriend for Valentine's Day and I will be stuck here in this apartment with my roommate. Ideal, right?

Ok, now for the stars:
(Wow, its actually taking me a while to get this one started -- Linda said, 'which do you spend most of your time dwelling on?' Well, now it's obvious.)
I have a well-paying job. I get to be a part of a movement that allows children of all races and socio-economic levels to have an excellent education. I have a boyfriend many miles away who loves me. He came to visit me on Friday and we had a wonderful weekend. I am alive. I have started gardening.

So, it's clear that I dwell on the negative. It's so difficult to see the positive... when all this shit around me seems to be falling and crashing down. Yeah, yeah, I get it. I need to be more positive. I'm driving my boyfriend away. Sometimes I say things on the phone with him that I don't even realize. Today, I said "I'm such a horrible person." OUT OF NOWHERE! And he responded with "If you're going to act like that, let's just hang up, because I don't want to hear the negativity." Yeah, his response made me cry. How could he be so insensitive? But, he knows me all too well and I need to be slapped in the face every now and then.

As I'm writing and reflecting, I'm still actually reading the book and I just now realized where the analogy came from:

Two women looked through prison bars
One saw mud, the other say stars.

Each of us has a choice about how we LOOK AT life. We can focus on the mud or lift our eyes and see the stars. I want to see the stars soooo badly. God, please help me see the stars.