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Today, I just feel like crying. I'm not sure exactly what it is -- there appears to be a combination of things. I've felt overwhelmed before and I've felt anxiety, but this is neither. This is a combination of nostalgia, unconditional love, fear of what the future holds, and a fuck-it-all attitude.

I just got off the phone with my mom. She said she called in sick today. Naturally, my response was "Are you feeling better now? Are you going to work tomorrow?"

To which she replied "Yes, I have to go to work tomorrow or else I get in trouble."

I knew what she meant. My mom is the manager. She wont be in trouble. She can pretty much do what she wants -- and she takes advantage of it, when her and my step dad travel at least every other month. What she meant wasn't that she will be written up or put on probation, but that the office will basically fall apart without her. In that sense, she becomes "in trouble" for missing a day of work.

Ain't it true.

Why is it that we cannot miss 2 or more consecutive days of work? I think about my job. If I were sick and took 2 or even 3 days off, God-forbid what would happen in my classroom. Is it only in positions of leadership that we are "in trouble" when we take days off?

I know part of my this anxious/overwhelmed/scared-shitless feeling comes from not knowing what job lies ahead of me. In talking to my sister today, I realized something. She asked "Do you want to teach next year?"

I thought about it. "No."

I've tried to explain it to others before and couldn't quite articulate the words adequately. Today, she gave me magical powers to say exactly what I meant.

"No, I do not want to teach another year. I'm looking for other jobs at museums or non-profits, but the only way I'd stay to teach a third year is if there was no other option available for me." Surely, something has to come up though. I have 50 states to work with. I'm not picky.


I received a text from an old friend tonight. How are you? How is everything going?

We caught up a little (informal, I know, but we are meeting for dinner Sunday to make actual social contact). I told her that I did not get the job with TFA I had applied for early February. Then, I told her E got wait-listed for Vet School.
Neither of us have ever pursued something and not have it happen. This is a strange feeling and I hope it doesn't drag on through the painful mid to late 20's that are fast approaching.

I thought I had it all planned and together, but now E and I are both saying FUCK IT. Let's pick a city out of a hat, sell all our stuff and move there. I'm hoping we'll actually go through with it. The thought of it is exciting and scary all at the same time.

I used to picture my life happily in a long-distance relationship doing my own thing, finding myself, and starting my own career. No man is going to hold me back. Now, without consciously doing it, I'm planning my life with him and basically around him. A colleague of mine with the same name as me (over which we happily bonded), frowns upon that and tells me that I need to do what I want. Sadly though, teaching has made me forget who I am and what I want. I need to find those ambitions, those passions.

A laughable awkward moment happened when I told her I was slightly interested in pursuing screen writing for television. Silence.

Her silence said it all. Needless to say, I will not be telling people about that ambition, but instead, I'll quitely pursue it on the side. If it happens, AWESOME, if it doesn't, NO HARM, NO FOUL.

I hate saying this because I feel it comes out of my head and into blog posts too often, but I need to find my ambition again. I need to figure out what it is I will do with my life. I need to find a job I love that I won't want to miss work for -- but a job that won't "punish" and guilt-trip me for being out.

Is there such a job for someone? The sitcoms make it seem like EVERYONE'S JOB IS UNBEARABLE, but what makes it tolerable is the people you surround yourself with and how you cope with it.

For now, I'm a twentysomething trying to figure out what to do. HOLY SHIT! I'm a twentysomething. How the effff did that happen?

And yet, with the explitives appears my inner 17-year-old.
Oh, 17 was a good year for me. If only......

What

'What' is the word of 2012.

What do I do?

Root

Every time I talk to you on the phone, I hang up frustrated, annoyed by your voice.

I'm trying to be less sensitive but the fact is that it's mostly always me compromising for you. I'm not going to do that any longer. I just want a nice guy.

We need to get to the root of the problem. I'm not sure where it is or what it looks like, but I know we need to find it soon. If we don't, we'll be lost forever.

Parenthood

I've been watching Parenthood on Netflix. What will I do when it's over? I'm halfway through season 2.

Watching a show like this secretly makes me want to move to LA to be a writer for a show. What? Where do I get these ideas?

But of course, there is the issue of the boyfriend whom I love. Growing up is complicated.

I love him and every show/rom com/chick flick tell me that I'm lucky to have someone who loves me back; however, it's so hard for me to just drop everything I want for me for the sake of being with him. Oh, I wish I were a little more romantic.

Deep down, I want romance and flowers, extravagant proposals, and the simple life BUT I am too stubborn to compromise all that for my own ambition.

I want to move to California. That's where my mind is set. If him and I stay together, I see my life moving to east Texas. What's there for me?

Oops

I haven't eaten all day.

So, I just had 3 enchiladas and some rice. Greasy. And I have been eating pretty healthy for a couple of weeks so this has sent me for a loop.

I'm going to be sick.

The reason why I'm eating this is I'm broke and have no other food.

I went to the pharmacy today to get my BC and was declined. I checked my account and was in the red! I apparently paid my student loan twice this month and ended up in the negative. Oops.

And now I'm starved for food. I resorted to grease and I'm sick. Ugh.

Five year anniversary with my hun. Too bad we spent it catering to others at my sister's graduation party and his grandfather's 87th birthday. You know what, though? It was such a great time to be with family and discover that appreciation for them, I seem to forget from time to time. We may not have done anything romantic or exchanged gifts or anything, but I suppose that in two weeks we will have our time. This means, I need to find him something - or plan on surprising him in some way! Usually, it seems, couples that are in the same city, have to rev things up by being romantic - we too, were once that way. In our relationship, however, we see each other so few times that every meet-up is always everything we could have hoped for. We haven't really made things intentionally romantic, but then again, the romance is in the efforts we go to for a simple weekend of holding hands, or a kiss on the lips.

Graduation is next weekend! I need to find a gift for my sister... I need to find the right words to say that I'm proud of her BUT that I still expect her to go further. I don't want her to stop and quit because, for her, college will be challenging. I need her to know that I will be there through it all to help in any way I can. I didn't do such a good job conveying this message to my other sister. Instead, I was so selfishly in love, living in sin, and paying no mind to my sister who probably needed my guidance in college. If I could go back to change that, I would. Now, I simply have to find a way to make her understand that she CAN go back to school under no conditions and that I want to help her every step of the way.

I have a few plans for the summer that I want to get down on paper:
1. Jacob's college gift (laundry basket, detergent, cleaning supplies, TP, PT, Ramen, etc)
2. Tina's care package for college (even though she is living at home, I need to find a creative way to help her during this "move" to college)
3. Crystal's birthday gift! (no clue)
4. Krissett's wedding gift (again, no clue)
5. Trip to San Francisco!?!?!?
6. Move to new apartment (when I find one)
7. Take GRE
8. Apply to grad schools (First, figure out which to apply to!)
9. Be happy and peaceful this summer wherever I am.
10. Love life.

My first year of teaching is almost at its close. And this is such a large topic, I'm going to narrow down for a bit. (Clicking the zoom button).

After one year of living in this apartment and rearranging my bedroom a total of SIX times, I'm going to miss calling this place home. I like it so much other than the fact that it's far from EVERYTHING. But it's MINE and it's cute and I put a lot into this. Am I really ready to live alone? So much effort goes into looking for a place that I'm overwhelmed just taking the next step.




Some things I need to do different next year:
1. Make more friends.
2. Read more books.
3. Save MONEY.
4. DANCE BALLET.
5. Stop being such an introvert? Nah. I like being an introvert... I just need friends that can bring out the best in me sometimes.