The path of least resistance can lead through a mine field.
So true. I chose this path because it prolongued actually having to find my own path. I'm an idiot.
The fun comes from being miserable in my own mistakes. I keep telling myself that.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Elias and I played house all weekend. I dragged him to Pottery Barn at the Quarry to fulfil my own "pornographic" fix. I love dreaming of my home and the furniture I will some day be able to afford to fill it. Elias, however, took control of this fantasy. I loved every moment of it.
I can't wait to live with him again. Really, I don't even care if we're rich or poor. I just want to be under the same roof, loving each other and loving life.
Maybe we do need God to complete the picture. But we don't need church.
I can't wait to live with him again. Really, I don't even care if we're rich or poor. I just want to be under the same roof, loving each other and loving life.
Maybe we do need God to complete the picture. But we don't need church.
Thank you
Elias for a beautiful weekend. I can't believe we've spent nearly 5 years as best friends. I can't wait to spend the rest of the years as your lover and wife. Thank you for accepting me. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for guiding and inspiring me. Thank you for being you.
I love you. Please know that as conflicted as I am in this moment, I want so badly to return to that shit hole known as Lubbock, Texas with you. I'll take a minimum wage job if it means cuddling with you every night.
I now understand why God made husbands... he made them so that life, with all it's twists and turns, could be bearable. I can't wait to make life bearable with you by my side.
I love you. Please know that as conflicted as I am in this moment, I want so badly to return to that shit hole known as Lubbock, Texas with you. I'll take a minimum wage job if it means cuddling with you every night.
I now understand why God made husbands... he made them so that life, with all it's twists and turns, could be bearable. I can't wait to make life bearable with you by my side.
My mom thinks my apartment is possessed by a negative spirit. Maybe that's her way of telling me I need to be more positive. She says if I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack again, I should call her and we can read the Bible together. I'm not sure I've ever read the Bible in a time of need. Maybe I should? I just find the idea of doing that kind of silly, but I guess at this point I'm a little desperate and will try anything. She keeps telling me to put it in God's hands.
From today's inspirational text message: "Just keep asking God to give you strength to endure the rest of your contract so you can move on to your next step. And have faith that he will never forsake you. Even in your lowest moments, praise him and rejoice because the devil will see he can no longer harm you."
Is she right? I'll never know. All I know is things are really in the shit hole right now.
I feel like an idiot for commiting myself to doing this for two years while being away from everything and everyone I love. What kind of stupid person would leave a life so perfect?
Maybe I will start going to church again. But I doubt God will want me there if I'm being forced by my own guilt to please my mother.
I desperately want to go back to being with Elias. Who cares if it means I'm stuck in the past? Who cares if it means I get no letters of recommendation from TFA? Who cares if it means I QUIT? Who cares? I care. And at times I don't care.
Mom clearly doesn't want me to go to therapy. She wants me to go to God. But what if I don't know what to do with that? What if I don't know how to talk to God? Or if I even want to talk to Him? I believe. I just don't think I have to worship the way people say you should worship. I think I want to worship by giving thanks for the little things, by praising the sun each day and the moon each night, by taking in all the beauty of life even when it's hard to see.
Does that count? Or do I have to read the Bible for help?
From today's inspirational text message: "Just keep asking God to give you strength to endure the rest of your contract so you can move on to your next step. And have faith that he will never forsake you. Even in your lowest moments, praise him and rejoice because the devil will see he can no longer harm you."
Is she right? I'll never know. All I know is things are really in the shit hole right now.
I feel like an idiot for commiting myself to doing this for two years while being away from everything and everyone I love. What kind of stupid person would leave a life so perfect?
Maybe I will start going to church again. But I doubt God will want me there if I'm being forced by my own guilt to please my mother.
I desperately want to go back to being with Elias. Who cares if it means I'm stuck in the past? Who cares if it means I get no letters of recommendation from TFA? Who cares if it means I QUIT? Who cares? I care. And at times I don't care.
Mom clearly doesn't want me to go to therapy. She wants me to go to God. But what if I don't know what to do with that? What if I don't know how to talk to God? Or if I even want to talk to Him? I believe. I just don't think I have to worship the way people say you should worship. I think I want to worship by giving thanks for the little things, by praising the sun each day and the moon each night, by taking in all the beauty of life even when it's hard to see.
Does that count? Or do I have to read the Bible for help?
Monday, January 24, 2011
Things on my mind:
1. Breast cysts and biopsies
2. Tina's seizures
3. I'm bored hungry.
4. Everyone is getting married but me.
5. Student Loan debt sucks.
6. Is grad school even for me?
7. Does Elias even love me?
8. He hasn't proposed and it's almost been 5 years.
9. And he may wait another 5 years.
10. My mom said he's a jerk (in a fun way).
11. I'm going to see a therapist soon.
12. I'm always doing things for others.
13. I need to start doing things for myself.
14. I feel like a loser.
15. I had a panic attack yesterday.
16. I'm missing my sister's housewarming party and I hate myself for it.
17. I got a New Teacher's grant for $200!
18. I want a Disney Escape wedding.
19. My mom thinks that makes me selfish because she wants my whole family to be there to celebrate with me.
20. I said I don't want everyone there.
21. Who am I kidding? I'm never going to get married.
22. Elias has never even gone ring shopping.
23. He went promise ring shopping immediately.
24. And now everyone else is getting married in 2012. Except me.
1. Breast cysts and biopsies
2. Tina's seizures
3. I'm bored hungry.
4. Everyone is getting married but me.
5. Student Loan debt sucks.
6. Is grad school even for me?
7. Does Elias even love me?
8. He hasn't proposed and it's almost been 5 years.
9. And he may wait another 5 years.
10. My mom said he's a jerk (in a fun way).
11. I'm going to see a therapist soon.
12. I'm always doing things for others.
13. I need to start doing things for myself.
14. I feel like a loser.
15. I had a panic attack yesterday.
16. I'm missing my sister's housewarming party and I hate myself for it.
17. I got a New Teacher's grant for $200!
18. I want a Disney Escape wedding.
19. My mom thinks that makes me selfish because she wants my whole family to be there to celebrate with me.
20. I said I don't want everyone there.
21. Who am I kidding? I'm never going to get married.
22. Elias has never even gone ring shopping.
23. He went promise ring shopping immediately.
24. And now everyone else is getting married in 2012. Except me.
