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Today, I just feel like crying. I'm not sure exactly what it is -- there appears to be a combination of things. I've felt overwhelmed before and I've felt anxiety, but this is neither. This is a combination of nostalgia, unconditional love, fear of what the future holds, and a fuck-it-all attitude.

I just got off the phone with my mom. She said she called in sick today. Naturally, my response was "Are you feeling better now? Are you going to work tomorrow?"

To which she replied "Yes, I have to go to work tomorrow or else I get in trouble."

I knew what she meant. My mom is the manager. She wont be in trouble. She can pretty much do what she wants -- and she takes advantage of it, when her and my step dad travel at least every other month. What she meant wasn't that she will be written up or put on probation, but that the office will basically fall apart without her. In that sense, she becomes "in trouble" for missing a day of work.

Ain't it true.

Why is it that we cannot miss 2 or more consecutive days of work? I think about my job. If I were sick and took 2 or even 3 days off, God-forbid what would happen in my classroom. Is it only in positions of leadership that we are "in trouble" when we take days off?

I know part of my this anxious/overwhelmed/scared-shitless feeling comes from not knowing what job lies ahead of me. In talking to my sister today, I realized something. She asked "Do you want to teach next year?"

I thought about it. "No."

I've tried to explain it to others before and couldn't quite articulate the words adequately. Today, she gave me magical powers to say exactly what I meant.

"No, I do not want to teach another year. I'm looking for other jobs at museums or non-profits, but the only way I'd stay to teach a third year is if there was no other option available for me." Surely, something has to come up though. I have 50 states to work with. I'm not picky.


I received a text from an old friend tonight. How are you? How is everything going?

We caught up a little (informal, I know, but we are meeting for dinner Sunday to make actual social contact). I told her that I did not get the job with TFA I had applied for early February. Then, I told her E got wait-listed for Vet School.
Neither of us have ever pursued something and not have it happen. This is a strange feeling and I hope it doesn't drag on through the painful mid to late 20's that are fast approaching.

I thought I had it all planned and together, but now E and I are both saying FUCK IT. Let's pick a city out of a hat, sell all our stuff and move there. I'm hoping we'll actually go through with it. The thought of it is exciting and scary all at the same time.

I used to picture my life happily in a long-distance relationship doing my own thing, finding myself, and starting my own career. No man is going to hold me back. Now, without consciously doing it, I'm planning my life with him and basically around him. A colleague of mine with the same name as me (over which we happily bonded), frowns upon that and tells me that I need to do what I want. Sadly though, teaching has made me forget who I am and what I want. I need to find those ambitions, those passions.

A laughable awkward moment happened when I told her I was slightly interested in pursuing screen writing for television. Silence.

Her silence said it all. Needless to say, I will not be telling people about that ambition, but instead, I'll quitely pursue it on the side. If it happens, AWESOME, if it doesn't, NO HARM, NO FOUL.

I hate saying this because I feel it comes out of my head and into blog posts too often, but I need to find my ambition again. I need to figure out what it is I will do with my life. I need to find a job I love that I won't want to miss work for -- but a job that won't "punish" and guilt-trip me for being out.

Is there such a job for someone? The sitcoms make it seem like EVERYONE'S JOB IS UNBEARABLE, but what makes it tolerable is the people you surround yourself with and how you cope with it.

For now, I'm a twentysomething trying to figure out what to do. HOLY SHIT! I'm a twentysomething. How the effff did that happen?

And yet, with the explitives appears my inner 17-year-old.
Oh, 17 was a good year for me. If only......