Need Organization

I need organization. I'm a teacher now. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm bothered. I'm frustrated. I want out. I want in. I hate this. I hate people. I've made new friends. Some real. Some fake. I am failing miserably. I am getting awards. Relentless pursuit of results. Sense of possibility. My students can't read. They are 11 years old. They don't care about what I'm teaching. Why do they have to know about the Spanish conquest of Mexico? Can't I focus on helping them read and write instead? I miss Elias. But I feel, he doesn't miss me. He fights with me a lot. And he doesn't jump at the chance to see me. I even offered to fly him to me so that I won't have to make the drive back alone. He said it was a waste of money. Ouch. Then he asked me what I want for my birthday. All I want is for him to come here. But I said, I want nothing. I don't want him to spend money he doesn't have. That, apparently, is my thing, not his. I'm broke. How am I going to pay my first month's rent? Stressed beyond belief. I can't eat. I have no appetite. I'm anxious. Nervous. I just want to sleep. But I want to be held. And hugged. And kissed. I just want to be taken care of. Is that too selfish to ask? I don't want to take care of those kids. They're cute. They're funny. But what about me? Can't someone else save them? I really feel like I'm failing them anyway. I wasn't meant to be a teacher. I wasn't meant to be here, now. I was meant to be a hermit. Alone. A writer. A singer. A painter. A selfish bitch. Not a teacher. That requires too much patience. Organization. Love. Kindness. Things I've been told my whole life that I possess. But do I really possess them? Or do people see something in me that they want to see in themselves? I started to see it too. But where did it all go? Instead, I'm just a kid teaching kids. They see right through me. They know I'm a fake. A phony. They don't want anything I have to give them. Unless it's some cool gadget. How am I going to do this for the next two years? Two years. It can go by fast. Or real slow. Long distance relationship, yet again. Am I ever going to be valued? Proposed to? Given surprise visits? Given surprise dinners? Surprise concerts? He says, he would if he had the money. But what if he has the money and he still doesn't? I want tall, dark, and handsome. I want the Spanish language. I want world traveler. I want it all. I'm too damn selfish.